In fact, she's in bed.
I had a lovely bath at about eleven this morning, painted my toenails pink, got dressed and got back into bed. I am in bed now, writing this; beside me is my lunch and outside my window is the neighbour's garden looking splendid in the sunshine. I have an appointment at four today and can't go in my pyjamas, so getting dressed and back into bed seemed a good plan, I am in bed working like a good person, but I am dressed ready to go when I need to and I have lunch on a tray to sustain me.
|Working from home today|
The idea of home, home coming, home sickness and being home is something I am working on at the moment. It has taken a long time to understand how lost I have felt and to articulate it. I had spent eight years spending time alongside people at the end of life as a soul midwife, but nothing prepared me for the losses, one after the other, of my mother, brother and husband in 2015 and 2016. I took a year off in 2017 to hide, rest and recover. That time off was as hard as any other time - we do not simply sit down and become rested and recovered within half an hour. Sitting down, taking time off and away, knowing that we are struggling with life is a courageous move as we know that once we stop moving and being distracted, all those little demons in our heads come out to play. It takes focus to recover. We come to terms with such feelings as loss, regret, guilt, anger, resentment. There is love and light and laughter too, but when we are struggling and when we are suffering, love light and laughter belong in another universe. Taking time off to recover takes a long, long time. We face a lot of things, we understand a lot of things and when we feel stronger, we are glad that we did it. But we don't want to do it again if we can help it, not for a while at least.
I felt that during my year off that I was struggling to come home. To come back to myself, to find myself again in all this disruption. I imagined myself wandering off on my own, into some kind of shadow lands, and losing myself. The first thing to do was to recognise that I had left. I had left myself. I had left home. It was lonely out there, and I didn't belong.
Having recognised that I had left home, left myself, I made a decision to return. In effect, I stopped walking, turned round and saw that not only had I come a long way off track, but that there was a way back and that I could take it. I made a decision to come home, back to myself.
And now, coming back to myself, coming home, I needed to know who I was coming home to. Who was I? The business of finding myself again, coming back to myself and being grounded in myself felt like being home. I was understanding what it was to be home, in myself. This was a place from where I could stand in my own space, be grounded, feel strong.
Life does not stand still. In my work as a soul midwife over the last ten years, I know that we have to make some adjustments at some point to accept that our lives will end. It is hard to do, but it is better to accept it than to live in fear and hope death goes away. It is a preparation to go home, to face our dying, to accept the final journey.
Everything that I have been thinking and experiencing while hiding away to recover, has come together to form the Coming Home workshops. The points I made above are the basis of the workshops.
- Recognising you have left home, left yourself. Loss of faith.
- Deciding to come home, back to yourself. Seeking faith.
- Understanding being home, being centred in yourself. Finding faith
- Preparation to go home, preparing for the final journey at the end of life. Using faith.
|One of the workshops in afternoon sunshine|
|Coming Home, join us and gently take back your power.|
And finally, a bit of feedback