|Not my granddad.|
My granddad used to give us riddles. Make sense of this, he would say, just add two commas -
Time flies you can't they fly too fast
Over the last few years, the weeks have got smaller, the days shorter and it seems as if every day is Friday. I get to Friday, and feel as if I have only just finished the last one. I know there have been days in between, but none of them lasted long and once again it is Friday.
And of course, the Friday doesn't last long either. It is true, what our old people say, that as we get older, time passes faster. I am not yet old, but I am entering into the the second part of life, I am just at the start of this getting older journey. Things are changing, I am changing and time is gathering speed. The wonderful Franciscan priest and teacher Father Richard Rohr suggests that we spend the first half of our lives building our container, the second half examining it's contents. I am definitely examining my contents.
The physical things I notice most are
- I have less energy. I like a good sit down.
- I notice aches and pains in my body, not all the time, but enough so that when I get out of bed or the car or a chair, I stand and stretch before walking off.
- Underneath this hair dye, I am totally grey and white
- My voice is deeper
- I put on weight faster than ever before
- I love to sleep. I get into my bed at night and am shocked that I ever thought it necessary to leave it at all that morning. What was I thinking of! I say as I lie on the memory foam mattress under the exciting duvet of my choice. This is my spiritual home, I think, I will stay here for a month.
|A brown scarf, not fancy brown|
hair do. Growing my hair out, you
can see the white just beginning
- I am braver. I can go to events without the same worries as when I was forty. I can hold my own and do not have to impress anyone (though of course, I still want to impress everyone and be loved and adored, it is just that I am more realistic about it happening).
- I am NOT so brave. I do not want to put myself into stressful situations in order to gain something or other from them. I prefer to sit on my sofa here and feel relief that whatever lessons I could have learned or contacts I could have made through being bold are safely never going to happen.
- Silence is my friend. I love silence and can hear the ticking of clocks, the humming of the washing machine, the dropping of rain or the swishing of leaves in the wind and that seems very loud indeed and very lovely in the silence of turning off radios and televisions and all manufactured noise.
- I am surprised at quite how young the young are. They are a race apart. My sons have friends in their twenties, and though I love them all, I do not know what they are talking about or why they look like they do. They probably feel the same about me.
- I am a widow. Once, being married and raising my children was everything to me. Now, with my children grown up and safely into adulthood, I love just my own company. I never gave myself much attention when I was younger (I didn't like myself very much), but now I find that I am quite interesting, there is much to get to know. Who would have thought that an evening in silence and completely alone with my flannelette pyjamas in my own home, with nothing to do except watch the fairy lights and smell the lovely candles, would be enough? That would have been a great big fail once upon a time.
- I am beginning to understand the Buddhist idea of not getting hung up on the outcome. I would change that to not getting too hung up on the outcome, I am not yet fully enlightened. I still like a bit of outcome. This means not becoming so invested in results that the journey is both hard to begin, and if begun, fraught with fear of failure. I am of course, longing for success and adulation, but the intention and the journey seem to be much more peaceful things on which to focus. The success and adulation are possibly quite empty things (though jolly nice to receive), because if the whole purpose of any undertaking is to have affirmation and confirmation of worth from outside, from other people, then we are only ever as good as other people say we are. And other people are notoriously fickle. So I am much more connected these days, to the work I do as an end in itself.
|Passing through time with my grandchildren. Or, on Bognor Beach as the tide goes out. Both quite poetic.|