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Sunday, 3 March 2013

On Being True To Myself

This week, I am going to explore, briefly, being true to myself.  So important on the one hand, and on the other, rather absurd.  Why so?  I speak for myself here, and I say to you, should you require me to be true to myself, that I cannot work out which me I should be true to.  Still speaking for myself, I am made up of many selfs, some of whom cancel out others.  The self that desires to clean out the garage right now, is being overruled by the self that wants to lie down.  But the self that has won through is the self who is writing the blog.  And yet another self is coming up on the inside lane, which is all about making piles of cheesy spaghetti and eating it all, from under my blanket here on the sofa, before my sons find out that I have made it.

It interests me, this being true to yourself.  There is, at one's core, a true self, a true essence of who you are, and from this all things come.  But it seems to me that life is too short to have any idea at all where this core is.  I am changing all the time, I think I have grasped my essence and breathe a sigh of relief, only to be challenged and have to rethink it all.  I am an artist but I don't want to do anything remotely artistic at the moment.  Being true to myself means listening to my inner voice right now, the answer coming back is, lie down, why don't you?  And I think, gosh, that is precisely what I want to do, my truth is spoken.  It comes from my inner essence but I fear that this truth has overridden the other one, that of being an artist.  So I may have to accept that though I am an artist, I am also someone who needs to lie down, indeed, desires lying down above all things, and am, at my essence, tired out.

Being true to myself right now means being honest with myself.  If I am honest, then, I do not really want to engage with the outside world at all right now.  Do I get a sense of relief having written that?  To be honest Guv, yes I do.  Does this mean, having been so very honest with myself, that the self that comes to the surface here, is the real one?  Yes, probably, this is the true one.  It, my true self (this moment's one, true selves being multiple things even at the best of times) is so tired that it can't even consider the garage, it would rather sell it and all its contents than clear it out and have to physically move even one item in there.  It, my true self, is so tired that it thinks that the cheesy spaghetti will have to wait until I can stand up for more than five minutes without the need to wrap up in a fluffy blanket and lie down then and there on the floor, and rest.  Most of all, the self that I am addressing above all of the other selves, is the one that is rising most noticeably to the surface, and therefore is the one to be most true to.

And so, having come to this conclusion, I shall go.  A short blog this week, and an important one.  I have discovered that having found the self that needs the most attention, and having set myself the task of being true to it, it requires no more energy than is absolutely necessary.  It requires a great deal of lying down. On that happy note, I shall focus on this current self, and being already on the sofa wrapped in blankets, put down my laptop, and sleep.  I may be here for some time.  What a lovely thought.